The way it should be

Blogging is a way for me to express my inner thoughts while being anonymous. It's great when you can blurt out your anger on things private without worrying too much on the consequences. But when that shield of privacy was accidentally unshielded, by my careless ramblings of course hahah, I felt the urgency to set things the way it should be. So the deletion of certain post, was executed. I prefer to remain faceless and anonymous because the guilt of exposing true nature of someone recognizable will be too much to bear .. for me. Though ... my evil fantasy would be to 'expose' the true nature of some thoughtless, scheming, home wreckers .. will be sooo tempting and such a delicious revenge ... I can never bring myself to do it. Not even to my enemy, so how can I do it to a love one?

My little entreprenuers!

It started with recipezaar.com, My gosh, what recipe they have!!! I tried one super brownie recipe that took less than 15 mins to prepare, uses only oil, sugar, cocoa, flour, baking powder and salt! The taste, masya'allah, it's so fudgy and chewy.It's heavenly.The kids love it so much that I need to bake 4 times that day. Now the older girls bake themselves and even sold it to their friends and teachers for 20 cents each LOL!

Things happen for a reason. Every little things...

I received an ' early bird 'sms while nursing Little Lutfi. It was from an old friend who needs emotional comfort as things don't go the way she expected even after much physical and spriritual efforts.

That hit me.

Life is never meant to be easy. But that's how things ARE suppose to be. We tend to be so fully absorb of not getting what we want that most times we forget the bigger things in life. The 'Should be' things in life - What does God wants?

After much thought .. with Bismilah this is what I replied:

"Redha. Because Allah knows what is best for us. It is not easy, life never is. But those who emerge with redha in adversity are those who have it all in this world and thereafter"

Wallahualam. Looking back at how my life messed up just a couple of months back. That's the only piece of advice that I know would work. It did on me.

Baby Lutfi

Alas, my sweet, sweet Lutfi taken at 19 days. Saw that dimples?!! :)

It have been 5 days since eternity ....

At least that's how I felt in the labour ward. It did seemed forever! After 5 kids, I never imagine the 6th will left me 'traumatized'. Or is it because I'm just getting too old to be contributing to Singapore birth rate?

1 day after my due date, the contraction began at a 'comfortable' intervals of 1/2 hrs for at least 24 hrs before reality finally sank in. At 10 mins intervals, this contraction REALLY hurts! Well yes, the ones that felt ripping off your internal lower organs. 5 hrs later, I was off to the hospital, confidently feeling that this should be done and over with in the next couple of hours. How wrong was I. It turned out I was only 1 cm... 1CM!!! dilated.

I was whisked to a normal ward until I'll be at least 3cm dilated. 5 hrs later, at 9 am, an assessment ( urggg.. I hate that finger screwing whatever they did?!) revealed I was still and only ... close to 2cm.

As te contraction intensified, by 10 pm I pleaded with the duty doctor to wheel me to the labour ward, just so I can get hold of the 'gas' that somehow ... relieves the pain. Wish granted, 1/2 hr later in the labour ward, my contractions was 5 then 2 mins apart till it felt there's no more intervals. Quited frustratingly .. I was still not dilated. Still at 2 ... I was too weak, too desperate for a relief. I opted for epidural, and sure enough it work like magic. For awhile...

As I see my contraction's activities from the monitoring device, I was just glad I took epidural else, I don't think I can ever made it ... 5 hrs later ( I really realize it now that all state of changes happended exactly 5 hrs later?!) with epidural effect went off, the baby was crowning and I simply can't push him ot for the next 1 hr. That was a trauma, as the peak of all contraction was really at that point and I had to endure it for 1 hr.

But Alhamdullillah, my Lutfi Hadi was born on 23rd March 5.17 am, weighing 4kg 40 grm. :)

Salam Ma'al Hijrah!

Segala puji bagi Allah, Tuhan sekelian alam. Selawat dan salam ke atas junjungan besar Nabi Muhammad Sallallahu ‘Alaihi Wasallam, ahli keluarga, dan sahabat-sahabatnya.Ya Allah, kami menadah tangan kepada-Mu pada waktu malam dan siang dalam keadaan kami bertawassul dengan nama-nama Mu, dalam keadaan kami mengharapkan gedung rahmat yang sarat di samping Mu. Dan dalam keadaan kami cinta sesungguhnya kepada-Mu dan cinta apa yang menghiasi kebesaran-Mu.Ya Allah, Ya Rabbul Jalil. Dengan sunnah-Mu menjelang kini tahun baru yang telah Engkau tentukan mengikut qada dan qadar di Loh Mahfuz-Mu. Kami meredahnya di bawah Iradah dan Qudrat-Mu. Sebagai makhluk-Mu yang sentiasa mencari keredaan-Mu. Kehadiran tahun baru ini,memungkinkan kami menadah tangan memohon rahman-Mu, kami pertautkan permohonan kami sekental-kentalnya kepada Mu. Kami mengharap perdampingan taufik dan hidayah-Mu yang telah Engkau berikan kepada kami pada masa-masa yang lalu sepanjang usia kami. Engkau sempurnakan perlindungan dan pemberian-Mu yang begitu melimpah kepada kami. Jadikanlah diri kami, hati kami serta seluruh anggota badan kami jati kekuatan, sepertimana Engkau berikan kepada hamba-hamba Mu yang terpilih. Supaya kekuatan ini dapat kami gunakannya sebagai pelindung daripada segala kemungkaran, sama ada yang zahir atau yang batin. Dan dengannya kami dapat kelapangan pemikiran, keindahan
kehidupan, kekuatan dalam keyakinan, ketetapan dalam pegangan agama,dan kebaikan untuk diri kami dan orang-orang sekitar kami.Ya Allah, hindarkan kami daripada segala yang merungsingkan,pemikiran yang membingungkan, pengalaman yang menyedihkan dan
menyempitkan dada kami. Kurniakan kepada kami keselamatan dalam pemeliharaan-Mu yang dapat melindung kami dari sebarang kejahatan,keburukan dan kerunsingan. Ya Allah, rahmatilah permintaan kami,terimalah kepasrahan diri kami kepada-Mu, Wahai Penolong hamba yang meminta pertolongan, tolonglah kami. Wahai Pencegah kemusnahan,hindarilah kami dari kemusnahan dan keporak-perandaan. Ya Rahman Ya Rahim…..jadikanlah lipatan tahun baru ini pembuka bagi kejayaan,ketenangan yang menyeluruh untuk kami dan kaum Muslimin keseluruhannya memelihara agama-Mu. Hamparkan di dalamnya hamparan
rahmat-Mu sepertimana Engkau berikan kepada hamba-hamba Mu yang terpilih. Rahmat yang dapat menghindarkan segala kepayahan dan kerunsingan. Ya Allah, kekalkanlah tahun-tahun yang akan datang dalam hidup kami dengan catatan kegembiraan, kebahagian dan kelapangan,supaya kami dapat rasakan dalam detik hidup kami kenikmatan yang ada
padanya. Ya Allah, jadikanlah tahun yang akan datang, semulia-mulia tahun yang Engkau berkati ke atas kami. Jadikanlah kami orang yang paling bahagia bersama-Mu. Ya Allah, ampunkanlah segala kesalahan kami, dan terimalah kebaikan kami, berkatilah masa, waktu dan segala gerak-geri kami.
Wassallalahu Ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa Ala Aalihi wa Sahbihi
Wassalam.

Doa akhir tahun, petikan dari http://muis.gov.sg

How fast time flies and 2 weeks have gone by! Alhamdullillah, dad seems fine, except for the occasional discomfort on his chest, which doctor have confirmed a mere bone inflammation that will subside in time.

Things have been rather chaotic for me these past 2 weeks. It's unbelievable so much had happened! The best part is, it's not even my problem. Ok So it is, I've always considred my husband's problems mine and so are his woes. Too bad it's not vice versa. But well ...

It started from my father's accident, then the letter. It came from The Ministry Of Education, demanding $78,000 of Liquidated Damages to be paid by 16th Feb. That must be the biggest joke of the year. Some chaotic calls, meetings and few days later, we found out that we need ONLY to fork out 10% of the amount and a proposal to the ministry on our affordable monthly installment payment. 78k.. hmm.. can buy us a Toyota Wish for family travelling comfort! While there are feelings of dissapointments .. , I do symphatize with Nana, my husband's niece. My husband is her guarantor for a 9 years bond with MOE. She failed her last year in her teaching academy for her practical exam. And due to that, she's being refuse of re-entry to the programme and thus TERMINATED. I just can't figure out how she can failed her practical when she actually do averagely well on her last 3 years. But repaying 78k for failing? That'll take her and us (My husband is her guarantor) some donkey years to settle. 4 wasted years and no paper given?! Nana have since lost the sparkle in her eyes. We missed her vibrant and cheerful self. May Allah help her ..always.


Panicky Nazarudin called 2 days after, informing us that he got a 'Writ of seizure' for Azman case where these 2 (My hubby and Naz) are the guarantors for Azman's 11k loan. The cold sweats subsides once we got hold of Samina ( 4 days later) from TCC saying that the seizure will only be enforce should Azman fail to settle the debt by end of this month, like what he'd promised. We're still waiting, still in suspense, as reaching Azman seems near impossible.

Amidst of all that, the werewolf sydrome surface AGAIN?! But what the heck, I'm just too tired, though temper did arised, my final word to dearest hubby

" You know the things that I detest most, if you think it's not right for me to feel or think this way, do whatever you want to do. Just remember that, jangan sampai I dah tak bertanya. Coz when I stop asking, stop questioning, stop bothering. I might be doing the same thing"

From bowing his head low, he look up, wide -eyed! haha! Insya'allah, as long as God is with me, May He protect me from all Evil and my own.

So again now, it's like nothing happen as usual till the next full moon. Or rather quarter moon?!

I'm not going to get all this bother me. Insya'allah I'll try. And Allah is indeed Great. Received a call today from an old business associate to develop his corporate website. I guess this could a fresh starting point for me to build back my life. This could be the start. A fresh portfolio, one at a time :) Insya'allah.

The other man in my life

Barely 4 hrs after writing my last journal entry, I had experienced such overwhelming fear .... of losing someone dear. It just took a phone call and the white paint that had splashed over my mum's face with one hand clutching her breast (Did I got that right?!). I hold my breath, while walking slowly towards my mum who was about to collapse any moment and swiftly took the handset from her. "Your father had an accident. But he's alert. Can you come to the hospital right away?" . Thousand of thoughts raced thtrough my mind. Speechless for a moment. "What happened to him? Is he ok?" His images early in the morning clearly flashed in my head. From then, it was the longest wait of my life. I called my husband to picked me up and suddenly realized that I should have just met him up at the hospital. But too late as he was already halfway through the journey. So the waiting game began. 15 mins seemed like 15 hrs and at 90 km/hr, it was the slowest journey I've encountered. Upon reaching the hospital, he was still in the x-ray room, while I ... kept regretting for not doing enough for him all this while. Speaking with the lady doctor finally put my mind at ease. My father had fell from a container, backwards, thus injuring his head. But overall, it's merely superficial injuries that simply requires couple of stitches on his head. From the x-ray, it seems the bones all intact and no fractures sighted. Alhamdullillah. It was a huge relief. When I finally saw him, he was bloodied alright, but still alert. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I just felt like hugging and kissing him, too bad the neck braces prevented me to do that. But Glad I was! Glad to know that I'm given a chance to set some things right. Alhamdullillah. You may not see or hear this, but I love you Dad. More than you know.

A morning to remember

The air seems fresher here in Pasir Ris, compliments from the Nature Reserve just opposite my apartment and the sea breeze that could have been blown from the beach which is a 15 mins walk away. It's a quiet neigborhood with an occasional major traffic. My morning starts after the subh prayer, sending the kids to school and a slow, slow stroll to Elias Mall which is simply across the street, for my morning reads and supplies of breakfast. Today, I did just that. But it was the skies that I admired. A pattern formed acrossed the skies that looked like a long, big cylindrical wave. It was a different skyline. To me atleast.I thought it could have been caused by perhaps the passing of a fast big object or wind that could have created such a sight.I doubt a mere aeroplane or a jet plane could do that. As I murmured the tasbih,in awe of Allah's greatest creation, there was this 'thing' which simply shoots from nowhere. It was too small to be an airplane but it was bright. The trails it leaves is unlike what I've seen coming from a plane. It's short And it pass across the sky, quietly. No one seemed to have notice except me. Or perhaps this is the norm of a morning in Pasir Ris?

Subhanallah, Walhamdullillah, Walaillahaillallah, Allahu Akhbar!

Getting on

Ok, so I was alone in bed again. No, nope. There was little Luqman, my 3 yrs old toddler with wild imaginations.

Positip: Never mind if he's not here, the kids are.
Hijaubiru's quote: Utamakan mana yang lebih berhak

hmmm. Luqman's vivid imagination got an overdose last night LOL.

Luqman - Ummi, I don't like your friend. Tak cantik.
Me - huh? Yang mana sayang. Which friend of mine?
Luqman - Yang itulah, rambut dia panjang tu.
Me - Ye ke? Dia tinggal kat mana?
Luqman - Bawah katil ummi lah!
Me - Huh??!!! {Gulp} Ummi mana ada kawan tinggal bawah katil? {Seraaaam!!!}
Luqman - Eh? Abih dia tinggal kat mana? Kat pokok tu eh? {Pointing his little fingers at the tree outside my bedroom window}

Well, I really hope it's simply his imagination or my lonely nights for days to come will be more unbearable! Luqman, is this one of your clever strategies to snuggle up to Ummi every night? :)

Starting anew!

Positip or rather positive is the theme of this new blog of mine. A friend suggested that I should be expressing myself in English. Not that my English's excellent. Not at all, so please forgive me for any grammatical and spelling errors :) My first blog, aged 4 months by now, narrated my deepest sorrow only my 'gloomy languange can' express. Thus it was in Malay. Don't get me wrong, Malay's a beautiful languange and I've always love it. However it works more efficiently to potray my sadness . On a happy note, it just seems natural that English is my choice of words. Once a reader of my first blog, whose now a dear freind ( Yes Shima!! :)) , actually felt that I was a different person when we exchanged email in English. Multiple Spilt personality?! Hope not! Must be 'Emotional Programming Disorder'. Someone better replace those IF THEN ELSE statements (Make it dual languange please) ! hehehe I just don't know why but it just works that way.

I'm really hoping to start anew. 4 months of weeping journal entries only pulls me further into depression. I could say hijaubiru, shee-ra, finfin, Pnut and all others who gave very positive comments are really the ones who shaked me out of it, with their sincerest comments and support. Thank you all. Jazakkalahu khairan!

I want to own my bubbly self once again. OK, I'm bubbly most of the time actually. When I'm around people.

You come to life when you're around others and are a real “people person.”

That's what it says on my tickle's personality test's result. Guess it hold some truth? So I need to be around people and stay positive to keep my sanity. I'll do just that ... virtually ;-)