Comel - That inner child

The Universe ... The Universal Creator .... World's Greatest Designer .... ALL refers to that One Great Force whom I know is the Almighty Only God.

And it's really amazing how His miracle works.

I was in pain for the longest time. I had numbed myself for the last 9 years and everytime I un-numbed myself, I'll be on the brink of insanity. It didn't help that your face was bruised on the second day of Eid WHEN you finally thought that things are getting better. It didn't help either when your cries for help, to help you heal ... was turned on a deaf ear to that one person you thought actually matters. Not even when you're just so close to giving up life altogether ... I was suicidal on that very day and in so much pain physically but not as bad as the emotional pain I was suffering.

But God has His plans for us. Somehow we need to complete that one phase of our journey, feel that pain to fully understand the lessons and meanings behind it. Though as much as I believe those words myself, it certainly is tougher to walk the talk.

Today should be a whole new era of Me. For the first time in my life, I got in touch with that inner child of mine during a therapy session I had with Lis. I never imagine that I ever actually needed one. But God heard how that inner me was screaming for help. It actually took awhile for me to recognize the need for me to get help myself. That ... after being pushed to see it which I'm eternally grateful for.

I got in touch with Comel - My inner 6 yrs old child who WAS confused, abused, abandoned and scared. It was indeed one powerful session... as a session later, Comel have said what she needs to say. In one of the exercises that I did with Lis was the things I want to say to Comel in less than 10 words, it goes:

You have the POWER WITHIN YOU to control your life!

It was emotional. But rather it was my pact telling all the spirit in me that very powerful message.

And I was so pumped up with life. Untill a very disheartening comment from whom I believe I knew who hides behind an anonymous.

I reacted.

Which was not very smart. I'm grateful having a friend to point that out to me that I was flashed back to the very statement I wrote on my first grateful list 101 last night:

Alhamdullillah for waking up each day with gratitudes and being fully aware that my life has the support of the Almighty God

So yes ... I am truly grateful that I am now more aware of the actions that I took in my life and being gratefully conscious.

I acknowledged that I attracted negativity due to my negative actions thus the deliberate deletion of all the negative postings I had ever posted.

I am grateful that I have realized that we are individually different and to hold my sarcasm to the lesser learnt.

I am grateful to have a heart that forgives thus I forgave those who wronged me unjustly.

I'm on my way to healing ... as Comel heals.

"I realized that you didn't draw a shoe on Comel .. and now you did" Lis said

"Oh yeah ... you see I actually drew it after that affirmation exercise. And it's a pink shoe. Actually I was thinking of Dorothy" .... I said

Lis smiled .. "Yeap ... Red Ruby Shoe. Klik Klak .. it's magic"

And we go .. hmmm.

I got my red ruby shoe after that session. It is a metaphor for me. A point of realization that now I have a shoe to go places. And best of all it's a special red ruby shoes.

Kilk Klak ... wishes comes true ; now that I am fully aware I have the backing of The Almighty.

Life will be beautiful again.

Amin.

Red Ruby Shoes - klik klak - wishes comes true ;)

What a day.

Oh Boy. What A DAY! What an awesome inspiring fantastical day it has been for me! And I'm not gonna let some male chauvinist to steal away the enthusiasm and hopes that I have from this point onwards.

It started as an ordinary business meeting. But meeting Elisabeth has always been beyond the ordinary. This petite woman, no taller than my 11 yrs old daughter is simply full or life! And today, she have a message to share.

So here I am ... sitting at the Expo, got my beautiful red ruby shoe .. doing my part and sharing her message....to thank it forward!

I met Elisabeth 3 mths ago, we've shared stuffs and she being an NLP master practitioner and a 'Grateful Guru' wanted to help me unlock that walls and ceilings that have been stopping me get to where I wanna be. And I guess there's got to be a reason the Universe had allowed me to set off my inaugural session today with her! But before that session, I had the privilege to witness some of the daily miracles she shared earlier ..

Her many miracles was due to one simple exercise that she did constantly .. which is the Grateful List 101. All we need to do before our heads hits the pillow, is to list 101 things we're grateful for. It could be the things that you really want, but has not achieve it. Practically, it's your WANTS LIST - it's an affirmation list - telling the Universe that you're grateful for that gifts (even if u've not had it)

I've known about this from The Book Of Secret by Rhonda Brynes ... but has yet to implement the gratification exercise. Man!It took me close to 3 years to come to this point and made a pact with myself to really do it for at least the next 21 days!

So Lis had done it and seen miracles after miracles ... like a long lost client who returned and paid long overdued payment in lump sum! Cheques that started to come in, and the best was the biggest deal that came in a platter serve to her right under her nose ... from guess who? The most biggest, luxurious car maker in THE WORLD!! Really jaw dropping!

So, as we talked, Lis mentioned about wanting a personal trainer. Then we went out for lunch. when we returned, at the lift lobby laid a small little pamphlet ON TOP OF A RUBBISH BIN. It's a personal fitness trainer ads located JUST 3 LEVELS BELOW HER OFFICE. As she was reading, she pressed the 6th level to her office. Somehow the lift stopped... on the 3rd floor, where the personal trainer's office is. We didn't press that level, it's just meant to be. She goes ..." perhaps I gotta see this place since the lift stopped right here " we walked towards the office but it was locked. And she said .. "See ... this are the little miracles that happens .. I've asked for a personal trainer .. place to exercise near office and .. then this! You'll see this personal trainer will come to me" and at that instance .. Sandy the American Personal fitness trainer walked towards us!

Coincidence? A good friend have said ... perhaps life is all about coincidences as there is really no coincidence in life.

Back to her office ... awhile later, another client of hers walked in. Another miracle story learnt!

Peter had done his Grateful 101 list, went to Amsterdam WITHOUT an agenda AT ALL. During his stay, a good fren of his emailed .. and guess what? A great opportunity served right under his nose. Even then Peter was not convince. And 24 hrs upon his arrival from Amsterdam TODAY, his questions and uncertainties was answered via today's front page article! Peter says .... "You don't have to worry about the how's .... that will fall in place. It's just a matter of having the eyes to recognize the signs"

Observing Lis for the whole 6 hrs is truly a privilege ... she's infectious alrite! Infecting me with good vibes that is. And the best is in discovering that inner child within me.

Comel ... came out.... and she got her Red Ruby Shoes - Klik Klak - wishes comes true ;)

Another story to share...

Selamat tinggal Mak ..

Amidst the laughter, the smiles ... it was all a brave front.

We all tried hard not to shed another tear. Not at this happy ocassion, where you should be .. sitting amongst us with your infectious joy and merry chattering.

We missed you. I missed you.

As much as I tried not to cry, I succumbed to grievance. It could be the quiet journey home in the car that brought back memories of you.

Who would have expected that you will leave us this soon? Days prior to your departure, you have kept reciting the kalimah syahadah. You knew.

And when I cried while stroking and messaging your legs, your head gestured for me not to cry like you did when Hani cried.

And why didn't it occur to me .. when I saw your eyes spoke to each and every one of us the last night prior to your departure?

I should have known. I guess I knew .. but never did I expect it to be this soon.

My consolation is ... God loves you more Mak.

When the morning call from Kak Shidah mentioned that you have collapsed, I have prayed that may Rasullullah be there to hold your hands ... that you many not have fear in your heart ..

While I'm just a mere being who errs ... who's nowhere near pious, but I believe Allah remembers your kindness that you have poured to many .. to my family. That I shall never forget.

God loves kind souls. And you are one of the chosen few.

However sad I may be, somehow I knew you're at a better place, where you're no longer in pain or sadness.

We all will always miss you .. and you shall forever lives in our hearts.

Al-Fathehah khususan ila arwahi Hj Ramlah Bte Marzuki ... my beloved mother in law.

Gembeng

Ok so I was emotional. Well yes I can't it help it that I'm such a gembeng person. Gembeng is a Malay word for one who's easily emotional and shed too much tears.

But really, I'm just a normal person who happens to have a very very soft spot for families .. well ermm .. among couple of things.

So what was I thinking to even suggest a family meeting at the hospital's cafeteria?! Anyway, after series of intermittent teary eyed sessions and a clown's nose later, the tribe spoke.

One of the things that I truly respect in the Rasidi's tradition is .. muzakarah.
Muzakarah is an Arabic term for discussion/ open dialogue to address issues. It is in fact a practice encourage in Islam. Well I might not be 100% accurate with the definition, but it could be something like that .. to the best of my knowledge.

I don't think we're a very much pious bunch, but we are just decent people who value family ties and strives to do just the right thing. And I'm glad that we have come to an agreement that we do hope could be the best for Mak. Wallahua'lam.

Having an open dialogue with the family has always been an emotional one .. well at least for me. It was made worse that Kak Shidah was just as gembeng as me. So I cried, she cried, making me cried more .. and thus we cried together-gether ..

Drama.

We all love Mak dearly and we're working on caring for her the best that we can, in unison.

We ... her children.

I believe that is what arwah Ayah would want us to do. I do hope I shall never forget that. WE will never forget that.

Mak Lam, my mother

"Lauk pindang dah masak?" It came out from one of Mak Lam's best buddies when I first walked into the hospital ward. All other 5 pairs of eyes turned to me. I was like ... did I forgot something?? Mak Lam can only managed a very weak smile and said that she have asked for Kak Yah to cook it for her.

Mak lam and her 5 buddies have been life long friends. They've been with her in her good and bad times since they were colleagues in their early 20s. That was a whole of 40 or more years of friendship.

My mom-in-law is not rich, but she have always been surrounded by people who truly cares for her as she had for others. She would never have a second thought to help a friend in need .. and especially so for all her children.

Today, I saw sadness in her eyes as I heard, the sadness in her voice just 2 days ago.

The day that Mr hubby said that he found her alone at home, peeing on herself. I have controlled the tears from flowing. There was so much sadness in my heart. How can we let her come to this?

I called kak Shidah probing how she'd feel if we take Mak to live with us. I know she would have no problem with it but mak was having reservation. I called her and address her concern. And she said .."I'm not having the normal ill ... I'm really ill I can't bathe myself."

It made me so sad... and I wished I could just hugged her then. "Mak, I'll give you a morning bath k and abg will take care of you in the afternoon".

That day when I went home, I dashed to my own mom's room and hugged her. I kissed her many times as my tears just kept flowing. I love Mak Lam as I have loved my mom and I just can't imagine if the same happened to my mom.

I've asked my parents how they'd feel if we get mak Lam to stay with us and I was just so glad that they're very supportive about it.

I just had a feeling that Mak Lam is giving up.

It have been a week that she barely eats or drinks. Kak Shidah mentioned that many times she have caught Mak Lam gazing longingly at arwah Ayah's wall framed photos. She must have missed him.

And we have done nothing to ease that pain. We practically haven't tried hard enough. We... her children. And it made me sadder that Kak Yah mentioned she will only bring her the lauk pindang on Sunday. I just wish that she could at least drop by tomorrow.

It was sad. For now, I can't bear to break that news to her.

God, please help us make it better for her.

Blast from the past

Meeting Siti was a blast! Had a great time, more so as we had my or rather our favorite fish soup with milk at the stall across Bugis Junction.

It was funny when I suddenly realize how similar we are, yet different in our own way. We used to have long flowing hair. I was the taller and slimmer version of her (ehem .. back then) but with a much flatter nose. And she's the much kecoh version of me, only shorter and cuter. We had the same taste in foods, men, clothings .. when we met that day, we had the SAME black blouse over black pants and brown handbag! And we loved the fried fish soup.

Well we were hot during our hey days and regularly got wolf whistle wherever we went! We love to dance. We worship Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul's every dance moves and practically practise every night after our shift ends when we worked at Isetan. We were THE DUO hahah. Come to think of it, I actually had the best time of my life with her.

She hasn't change much .. just that she's much cuter ... rounder. She's still crazy as ever while I've mellowed. But it's nice to be half crazy again even though only with her.

We talked a lot that day and that just re-emphasized how similar we are in thoughts too. The good thing is, the duo today are much stronger than before, thanks to all of the lessons well learned from the school of life. Yes, we shared similar experiences too. Coincidence? Not too sure what the Great Ultimate Creator had in store for us .. but I'm sure He must have a plan for us somehow now that we met again after so many years?

Anyways ... I'm just so happy to have found her again. Well she could just be the engine that could ignite the fun switch in me that somehow got kidnapped by Mrs workaholic.

Well i need to have fun, at least before the shuttling began .. where Mrs Workaholic lead an army of Pinoys.

First stop, Bali perhaps?

Love is as Love does ..

So how do you nurse a heartbroken 15 years old?

Just hurts to know she's hurting inside. You can only tell her to be strong, that she deserves better and that she'll meet more people and places to go. More importantly, she have a choice, and all hers to make.

"Now I know how you felt ummi" cried the first born as I hugged her and wiped her tears. My heart cried with her today.

Baby, you can never know how I felt. And I've prayed that you will never know how it felt. Never sweetie because you WILL have someone who loves you more than you love him and who will never ever make you shed another tear.

Somehow I knew it was difficult for her to let go. The good memories, the good times.

It just seems like dejavu.

Not able to let go is a great weakness. My weakness ... for the longest time.

However life is a process as with everything else it presents:

Frustrations before satisfactions, failure before success ... sadness before happiness .... chaos before peace .... weakness before strength.

I have found my strength, and you will too in time in your own way. But for now, you have the luxury of choice.

True Love shouldn't hurt because if it does, then it's not.

Lucky few found it because for the rest of us, we are just content to settle for less. I hope you don't.

You will find your One True Love in time ... and only time will heal all wounds. Baby, cry all you want and may it wash away all your sorrows.

We'll always be here for you.. and one thing baby, no one loves you more than I do.