Love Lost and Found

Meeting old friends is simply such an elation you can feel serotonin oozes out of your every pore!

Never mind if it's only online. How could it not?

Life have been pretty much routine and being at it for the past 15 years is getting a bit mundane. That's evil. I know.

Old friends brought back the sweet memories but I guess what's nice is, reminiscing the past actually helped me to remember how to live and what love is .. and I'm not referring to loving my children. Loving my other half, that is.

I know that's weird. Not that I don't love him anymore. But the sense of love that I used to know... somehow was lost along the way. People kept saying that's how it will be after a while, but why should it?

There just seem to be this empty gap in my memory warehouse which I believed could be the whole reason that the feeling was lost? Because it cannot connect to the moments you forgotten?

Since I 'found' Zul, the senses that I have long buried were awakened. Not that I am reliving the feelings that I had for Zul, I adore him but more as a friend than anything else. But it made me remember that long lost feeling.

For many days later, I was groping to understand why I can't seem to relive the feelings that I used to have for Mr Hubby. I tried but I can't. I try making senses why I cannot remember ... it was just specks here and there but the feelings refused to connect.

In the effort to make sense of the whole thing, I guess this could be it: There was a time when I had an emotional turmoil. It was a traumatic experience, one that I wish will not happen to any wife. The worst that could happened, it did to me. It was so bad that all I needed was to forget.

And I remembered praying that I will forget all the good times as it would hurt too much when it will be the time to let go.

Thus for a very long time when the going gets tough, I chose not to remember, numb my feelings and eventually that erased the good memories that we had. Well not all, the most significant were the deliveries of my lovely 7. I remembered each and everyone of them like it was yesterday. It was that moments I chose to remember and that saved the marriage.

After meeting my old friends Sue, Lyn & Sal recently, I decided to go tru the old albums stacked up in the store room. I was elated that I've found them along with many other sweet things. For one,there's the pink diary. Journal entries dated from 1990 to 1993 made me cry and laugh at the same time and slowly the memories came back .. and the feelings began to reconnect.

It may never be exactly the same. But I'm trying to remember, Love.