Love Lost and Found

Meeting old friends is simply such an elation you can feel serotonin oozes out of your every pore!

Never mind if it's only online. How could it not?

Life have been pretty much routine and being at it for the past 15 years is getting a bit mundane. That's evil. I know.

Old friends brought back the sweet memories but I guess what's nice is, reminiscing the past actually helped me to remember how to live and what love is .. and I'm not referring to loving my children. Loving my other half, that is.

I know that's weird. Not that I don't love him anymore. But the sense of love that I used to know... somehow was lost along the way. People kept saying that's how it will be after a while, but why should it?

There just seem to be this empty gap in my memory warehouse which I believed could be the whole reason that the feeling was lost? Because it cannot connect to the moments you forgotten?

Since I 'found' Zul, the senses that I have long buried were awakened. Not that I am reliving the feelings that I had for Zul, I adore him but more as a friend than anything else. But it made me remember that long lost feeling.

For many days later, I was groping to understand why I can't seem to relive the feelings that I used to have for Mr Hubby. I tried but I can't. I try making senses why I cannot remember ... it was just specks here and there but the feelings refused to connect.

In the effort to make sense of the whole thing, I guess this could be it: There was a time when I had an emotional turmoil. It was a traumatic experience, one that I wish will not happen to any wife. The worst that could happened, it did to me. It was so bad that all I needed was to forget.

And I remembered praying that I will forget all the good times as it would hurt too much when it will be the time to let go.

Thus for a very long time when the going gets tough, I chose not to remember, numb my feelings and eventually that erased the good memories that we had. Well not all, the most significant were the deliveries of my lovely 7. I remembered each and everyone of them like it was yesterday. It was that moments I chose to remember and that saved the marriage.

After meeting my old friends Sue, Lyn & Sal recently, I decided to go tru the old albums stacked up in the store room. I was elated that I've found them along with many other sweet things. For one,there's the pink diary. Journal entries dated from 1990 to 1993 made me cry and laugh at the same time and slowly the memories came back .. and the feelings began to reconnect.

It may never be exactly the same. But I'm trying to remember, Love.

The mere being

Finally I had my OMNIA!! I've been drooling for it since the day it first came out. It was unexpected really. I actually went to Starhub @ Tampines to get the Maxonline Mobile plan and Mr Hubby wanted to renew our home Maxonline contract for the free PS2 promo. Apparently the Playstation 2 promo is available for online sign-ups only. Anyway saw that the OMNIA's going for $98 with 2 years plan down from the $600+ when it first came out ... and with a redemption of $100 voucher, practically have it for 'Free'. Just love it! It came with a 5 megapixels cam and 8GB storage. All the more pics to click!

It was a double happiness for me when a long lost friend, my besties since primary school found me in FB. My memory jogged way back to 1990.

I recommended her to work with me at a Malay publishing company that once published a Malay teen magazine. We were then Sales Executives selling advertising space where we worked with the late Allahyarham Haron Abdul Majid, then the editor of the magazine. The experience exposed me to the advertising industry, taught me much about publishing but the most important lesson learnt was ... prudence.

There was so much hope & potential for the magazine thus it's death was a sad one. While we can never really know what happened, one thing we can be sure of is that,greed and lust was the root of the downfall.

Did some search and found these sad entries:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/journal-writing/message/5802

and more of Abang Zul .. and I'm pretty much sure it's really him.

I still believe people are inherently good as opposed to inherently evil as what Jensen my boss said.

Somehow along the way, people tend to lose focus ... forget what they're trying to achieve in the first place and get swayed by the distractions.

I am sure a lot of us have been in that situation ... whether too insignificant to be noted or otherwise.

Unfortunately, Abang Zul's was in that in a big big way. He ended up in jail for 8 years (that's what I heard) after being on the run for a brief period. Reading up his entries seems to reveal a man going tru questionable spiritual experiences. Probably ignited by the need to find one innerself ... another path I hope that would not pull him towards the wrong direction ... again.

Abang Zul is inherently a good person however we're in constant need of HIM to show us the way .. as we are mere mortals who often errs in our own judgement, that includes myself.

To remember ...

Zulkarnain whom I met 20 years back is now married to a very lovely girl, expecting their first child anytime now. He is very much in love with his wife, which is just so ... inspiring.

For old bird like me, it is refreshing to witness such a display even if it's literally.

There seems to be a phase in marriage when everything seems to slow down. Having married to the same man for the past 15 years and 7 kids later, we've went tru a lot. Which I learnt to believe, that what can't kill you will only makes you stronger.

It made me stronger.

I wish I could be that 19 years old girl again when we got married. Naive, purely innocent and Madly in Love.

That was the most wonderful phase in my life. Married to the man I love and having our very first child. I've never look back since. And nothing in the world will make me change anything from the past, not even for the worst phase of my life. Because that made me a survivor and much more.

But old birds needs to re-learn or rather remember ... how madly in love we were once.

Love, I hope you do.

Ask.

It have been more than a year since the last post. Well, I was too busy & just too tired to blog about anything positiP. For almost 2 years I was The Pacifier/ Negotiator/ Complain Absorber/ Wrappers Catcher for the The-World's-Best-Airline FFP contact centre. Sure, it was 'Fun' entertaining CEOs turned whining & foot stamping toddlers demanding for FREE seats, waivers, compensations .. just because they felt that it's their prerogative for being TWBA Frequent Flyer. The things that people would do for freebies, have my fair share for them all. While some does have valid reasons for their frustrations, but there are others who are simply an opportunist milking the situation.

Flushing negativity outta my system on a daily basis, became tiring after awhile. So one day, I was looking at some local internet company for job openings, looked at their working hours. Nice, I thought. And I talked to HIM. I love that industry. I like to have that kind of hours. I need that kind of schedule... for the kids and for my sanity. Please.

A week later, a good old friend who have been tirelessly pouching me to work for him for the past 4 years .. goes:

" You are up for something bigger doing what you love .. blah blah blah. Working hours 10am - 6pm. No weekends "

Nice. Nice. Nice :) Cut the long story short, here I am being what he calls 'The Pathfinder' and couldn't be more happier.

Barbie came to visit me in my new cozy office and gave me The Look. So had Tan and Simone. Same Look. Same Questions. But WTH, I'm emotionally and skillfully upsizing. Though I miss the vibrant & 'dramatic' environment, my agents and team mates. But well, it's all about choices and I've got what I've asked.

So the key is to ASK.

Early this week, my class (academically upsizing effort) was held at LeMeridien due to full house at the campus. It brought back sweet memories.

I must have been 14 yrs old then when I worked as a sales assistant at a department store called Printemps. It was then located on the ground floor of LeMeridien. That was where I met him. He was such a sweet person, romantic and a good artist. I must say that he could be the one who've inspired me in arts. While I can't quite recall why I left him. It kinda stick at the back of my head that this is someone that I hurt quite badly. A scene that I can recall was of him standing in front of a restaurant where I worked .. for hours just to pass me a 5 page letter with eye drops smudging the inks on the paper(Still have that in my memory box somewhere in the store room!) I was so bad and I've felt bad for a very long time.

So when I came back from class, learn the lesson of ask. I asked HIM again. Keyed in 4 letter words in Google that crossed my mind. Hit on the first link that appeared. Miraculously, it was really him!

He may have forgotten, but what matters is, he deserves an apology.. one that was delivered 20 years late. Not for anything, but rather for my conscience.

It's gonna be a big day next week. It'll be a Make or Break . One that could change everything, 6 days from now.

Time to Ask...